Why Am I Still Single?

Before you can have an intimate, passionate and exciting romance, the relationship you need to look at is the one you have with yourself. How do you interact with potential partners and people in general? Do you have an optimistic/pessimistic energy, are you too rigid in your expectations? I am a singles coach and I have compiled 5 of the most destructive thought and behavior patterns that single people often repeat when looking for love.

The beginning of a relationship is the best time to establish the tone, flavor and boundaries of how you want to be a partner with somebody else. What stops many people from finding a partner are the beliefs they hold about themselves and the expectations they have about how women/men 'should' behave. Being too rigid, ungenerous, judgmental, negative and needy is going to leave you alone or unhappy - possibly both.

1. You spent an awful lot of time complaining about men/women.

Misery loves company and indulging in repeated bouts of blame, critique and contempt towards the opposite or same sex is not going to help your chances of finding a good relationship match. Constantly judging and finding fault with an entire gender is only going to cement any negative feelings that you might be using to justify your so-called happiness at your single status (not to suggest you cannot be happy single, of course you can). You are not making an effort to welcome in the foibles and idiosyncrasies of a new person, rather you are measuring them against your own standards. You aren't going to have many adventures or surprises with that attitude.

2. You believe that finding a partner means hiding who you really are.

Ok, so everybody wants to present themselves in their most interesting and flattering light when they first meet someone. This becomes a problem when you find yourself deliberately presenting a facade of the person you are because you fear being rejected or disapproved of if you act and tell the truth about yourself. Some people try too hard. They believe that just being themselves is not enough and try so hard to impress by 'doing' things that they forget that people generally form attractions based on their sense of a person's 'being', not on what they do.

3. You tell yourself there are no good men/women out there.

This is a frequent refrain that people use to explain why they are single. It simply is not true. There are always people out there. Do you know how to find them? Are you actually looking for them? You need to get out into the world and participate in life in order to find someone. Quite possibly you have a history of bad relationships and the same things keep happening over and over again: your partners leave you, your partners are unfaithful, criticise you constantly, fail to support you etc. If you are repeating patterns time and time again and you want to be happy in a committed relationship, then you need to assess your own contribution to relationship breakdown, learn from this and find new ways to 'be' in a relationship.

4. My life is terrible. I know I could be happy . . . IF I had a relationship.

What a burden is that to put on a person and a relationship? The happier you are before starting a relationship, the happier you can be in that relationship. Relationships are not band-aids for a miserable life. They bring enough challenges of their own. Expecting to be 'saved' is a surefire way to coupledoom rather than coupledom. Put the rest of your life in order first. Make sure there are parts of your life that excite/inspire you and that you have plenty of things to look forward to. If you expect someone else to make everything right for you than you are setting up a needy-needed dynamic that will prevent you from finding your own power to change and create your own excitement.

5. I always attract the wrong men/women.

Usually said as if this is entirely not your responsibility! Do you know who you want to attract, what you want to attract into your life? Do you always wait to be approached or are you brave enough to do the asking sometimes? The more passive you are, the less control you have over the people you invite into your life. The energy and messages that you put out into the world are visible to others but often entirely unnoticed by you until you actually take the time to think about how other people might perceive you. The way you feel about yourself will have an effect upon the type of people that you allow into your life. If you feel confident and secure in what you have to offer, your 'no good for me' radar is probably in fairly good working order. If you feel you barely deserve to be in a relationship, you may find that you are less effective at reading the 'beware of this person' signs and end up in unsatisfying relationships.

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