Valuing Our Most Important Relationships

How is it that we abuse the ones most close to us? The people we most love and most value tend to cop most of the fallout when things aren't going well for us. It's a confusing and frustrating paradox -- those we wish least to hurt end up getting hurt, and people we don't really care for as much (i.e. those who may anger or frustrate us) get away scott-free.

This type of situation happens regularly in marriage and sibling relationships where two people get close. It's like the boundaries evaporate and there's suddenly the opportunity and the option to transgress. I don't know the technical or psychological term for it, but I see it as a situation where relational respect has been compromised. Basically, one or both parties now use a way of transacting with the other that employs negative "parent-child"[1] communication, setting up a dangerous pattern of potential co-dependency.

I saw this happen recently to a friend. The problem revolved around the rapport he had with his manager at work. He has a good working relationship with his manager; that good in fact, is the relationship, that they would consider themselves friends, not just work colleagues. Yet, strangely he would find himself being short with him, not giving him the time he required, and this wasn't readily identified by my friend until his manager approached him about it.

The confrontation was a good thing as my friend's manager was able to broach the subject truthfully and 'respectfully challenge' the status quo. Fortunately, my friend had an honest look at the situation and decided that his manager's feedback was warranted. He fed back to me that he apologised and after having reflected upon the issue, decided afresh that everyone deserves courtesy and respect, especially those we have the most time for!

Loved ones are a special category of people aren't they? Why do we take them so much for granted? Why is it that our partner or our children often get the 'junk' that comes from our mouths, or the silence at the end of the day because 'we've had enough already'?

Giving people respect all the time is a difficult thing for most to achieve. We have our own needs and wants and we want satisfaction and a fulfilling life; yet, this is often precisely what goes against us... we can't survive relationally without issuing respect first. We must give it to earn it. We need to be prepared to put our needs and wants behind another's to give respect.

For our loved-ones, we have to love them, pure and simple. I find the best way back once I've transgressed is to simply and quickly apologise and then seek their forgiveness. This pattern of behaviour then reinforces respect. It also helps us next time. Before we shoot off or treat them disrespectfully, we allow the voice inside us to gently remind us of the consequences of this behaviour. Slowly but surely we get better at dealing with problems and our relationships don't suffer so much. It's all about the 'internal work' required within.

Our friends and loved-ones are there for us, not to abuse, but to help us. We must appreciate their help. You could try telling your friend or loved-one how much you appreciate them. This is so good for a relationship. Everyone deserves respect, and all friends should be appreciated.

Copyright 2008, Steven John Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.

[1] See Transactional Analysis theory for an explanation of this phenomenon.

23 Nov 2008 11:53:10

Defense gives up little to gain more respect - Boston Globe

CharlotteObserver.com Defense gives up little to gain more respect Boston Globe, United States - By Mark Blaudschun WINSTON-SALEM, NC - Seldom has a defense played so well and been rewarded so little as Boston College's. The Eagles' defense dominated ... In Wake Forest, Boston College faces a familiar foe Messages have been received

Source: http://boston.com/sports/colleges/football/articles/2008/11/~

23 Nov 2008 09:43:12

How gay is that - Boston Globe

Los Angeles Times How gay is that Boston Globe, United States - ... and recklessness - fearlessness, not too many speeches, and a respect for an audience that considers itself no different from other paying customers. ... A Messy Luna Actors best lesson was going back to school How Van Sant finally got Milk

Source: http://boston.com/ae/movies/articles/2008/11/23/how_gay_is_t~

23 Nov 2008 09:17:08

the ZORN zone | Coach Jim Zorn's Take on the Seahawks - Washington Post

Washington Post the ZORN zone Coach Jim Zorn's Take on the Seahawks Washington Post, United States - "It could be awkward, but I think Mike Holmgren has always faced the men that he's worked with with a lot respect . I'll certainly try to take his lead in ... Rick Snider Zorn back in Emerald City

Source: http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/22/~.html

23 Nov 2008 08:14:11

Respect? The Rebels earned it against LSU - Biloxi Sun Herald

Seattle Post Intelligencer Respect ? The Rebels earned it against LSU Biloxi Sun Herald, USA - "We tried to earn some respect , that's what we tried to do," Nix said after the Rebels' emotionally charged 31-13 victory, their first over LSU in seven ... Houston Nutt - True believers

Source: http://sunherald.com/mashek/story/972361.html

23 Nov 2008 02:33:44

Pivotal rematch is about respect for Miami Dolphins - MiamiHerald.com

Boston Globe Pivotal rematch is about respect for Miami Dolphins MiamiHerald.com, FL - BY JEFF DARLINGTON Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter just wants some respect . He's not looking for much, either. The trash-talking, play-making football star ... Cassel No Longer An Inexperienced Backup Miami mouth runs; Patriots pass Fins keen on key match -

Source: http://miamiherald.com/sports/football/miami-dolphins/story/~.html

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