Commuting. The very word conjures up visions of frustration and long lines of vehicular madness.The idea is as old as man, even predating the invention that is responsible for our present state of insanity. The wheel. Before the appearance of these circular objects, mans' mobility was limited to that of his lower appendages. In the process of time, our Homo Sapient ancestor would eventually tire from having to lug around his paltry but necessary possessions and come up with a better means of haulage. His wife would aptly become a source of contention in this matter of constant uprooting. Now that he had something he could roll around on terra firma, he set about finding a practical use for the wheel. Having observed that two of anything (not wives) is better than just one, his engineering prowess percolated towards the marriage of these two wheels to a single wooden axle. Add a box-like structure to this assembly and Presto! A chassis. It was human-powered, no less, but certainly now was taking on the form of something supremely useful.
Wives can be touchy at times. That's when the going's good. Other times there are things you really don't wanna say. To ensure your continued marital bliss, here are some things you want to avoid saying, ever: 1. Have those jeans shrunk? They look tight on you... 2. What have you done to your hair? 3. You said I wasn't affectionate enough, so I've brought two girlfriends home... 4. Yesterday? Whaddaya mean our anniversary was yesterday? 5. You know, that friend of yours is a really attractive woman... 6. I'll tidy up my desk, when I'm good and ready... 7. You're just like my mother! 8. When I wanted to get married, you were my third choice... 9. What do you do all day anyway? 10. You're not fat, just slightly big... There are others, but I don't want to scare you too much. They say that wives are only really amorous for about 20 minutes in a month. So if you happen to be out in the garage at that time... Life can be tough! Here are some good lines to say: (You get to sleep inside the house!
Working with my hands was never my strong point. But I can get by, enough to muster the confidence to tackle small jobs. That is, until the forces of nature conspire against me... The vacuum cleaner is broken. I decide to take it apart and fix it. I take the screws out. One drops and rolls into another dimension. I snuffle around on all fours for 20 minutes looking for it. It has gone under a low shelf, taken a 145 degree turn and snuggled up behind a leg of the shelf, where it can only be seen by shoving a dentist mirror under the shelf and shining a torch in there. Why didn't I think of that in the first place! OK, now the screws are all out, but the cover refuses to come off. Stupid thing! Stick screwdriver into a crevice and lever it. The plastic tears. Cover doesn't budge. Hit it with a hammer. No go. Now the plastic's got dents as well. Find small clip hidden on each side of the cover, that can only be found by pyschoanalysing the Italian fitter that designed the thing.
A Fisherman's (Funny) Nightmare Now reaching middle-age, reaching minnowpause, a good many folks think I'm mentally eel. My theory though is that I've haddock with life, not unlike Salmon Rushdie or Marlin Brando. Mahi oh mahi. Since I've always marched to a different drummer, you know, or sang like Tuna Turner. I live down on squid roe. and been a shad bit egocentric, people have tried desperately to save my sole. Holy mackerel, if I could count the times. Those bassturds. They just perch up on their high seahorse and talk down to me as if I'm pond scum. So what's it all about, Algae? So you feel I'm shellfish and cruel but read between the line, swivel, and hook. For awhile I tried corporate America and I played a rather decent upwardly-mobile guppy. I made a great deal of money but always felt crappie. You may grunter at my humor but who are you to judge? Take your fathead elsewhere. I'm not just another John Dory writer, you know. So soon, I was swimming with the sharks and swam back to shore.
Men spend a lot of time with them, grooming them for cockpit fights. They rule the roads in rural areas. Everyone wants it this way, to make them ten times tastier than Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yes, chicken is an integral part of Malaysian life and idioms as well. The first unofficial rule to learning Malay language idioms is, don't be levelheaded. A mother hen pecking around with a brood of tiny fluffy chicks is often used to symbolized motherly love. However in Malaysia, a "mother hen" when applied to a woman means she is a madam in charge of a brothel. Similarly, "father chicken" is a pimp. A man who doesn't work as a pimp can still be considered as the "father chicken " if he doesn't bother to take care of his children. So be careful, parenthood related to chicken is gross insult. Next, you might like to learn to tease. Has anyone ever say to you he wishes to buy you a drink... but you know he does not mean it? We Malaysians call this "chicken invitation." This is probably due to another proverb " the warmth of chicken dung" which cools off quickly, referring to short-lived enthusiasm.
What could be more fun than a rubber duck in the bath tub? All right, you could probably think of more fun things, but you have to admit that rubber ducks are cute and make the world a happier place. But how much do you really know about rubber ducks? Do you know the following facts? * Most rubber ducks aren't really made of rubber. They are actually made from vinyl plastic--which is apparently rubbery enough to get away with calling them rubber ducks. * The first rubber ducks probably appeared in the late 1800s or early 1900s. This would have been soon after we discovered rubber and started making wonderful toys out of the stuff. * Rubber duckies probably became a cultural icon thanks to Sesame Street, when Ernie first sang the "Rubber Duckie" song in 1970. (His rubber ducky squeaked, too.) * Queen Elizabeth II at one time owned her very own rubber ducky, complete with an inflatable crown. It was probably a gift from her grandchildren. We're not sure if she still has it. * According to Wikipedia, it's acceptable to spell rubber ducky as "rubber duckie" as well.
I will attempt to educate you about cricket. Cricket is a game that is played by throwing a very hard little red ball at you, that you have to protect yourself from with a big stick, called a bat. It was invented by the English as an excuse to throw a rock at people from other countries without getting into trouble. When your team is in to bat, you go out to bat until you are out, at which point you come in. Then the next guy to be in goes out until he is out and then he comes in. When you whole team has been in, and all gone out, then the other team goes in until they come in once they are out. You can go out with a duck. Not that I'd want to. They're not all they're quacked up to be. Anyway, I digress. You can go out with a duck if you don't hit the ball anywhere significant. In fact, you can go out with a royal duck, which sounds better, and is actually worse, if you don't hit the ball at all. Some guys have a maiden over. Alright! That sounds better than a duck! This is when you don't get any runs.
Laughter is an universal part of the human vocabulary. Everyone understands it... There are no language barriers. Everyone is born with a capability to laugh. An interesting thing about laughter is that it appears unconsciously. We don't decide to do it... It just happens. It is known that laughter is triggered by various sensations and thoughts, but the exact brain mechanisms aren't fully researched. It is known that while laughing some changes happen in the limbic part of the brain. While laughing, many parts of our body are active - our facial muscles, muscles of the arms, legs and trunk. Laughter also makes our breathing pattern to change. It has been proved that laughing protects our heart. Studies have also shown that laughter lowers the sugar level in our blood. They say that laughter is the best medicine. There are a lot of therapies around that use laughter and humor to help patients. Most known therapies are humor therapy, clown therapy, laughter therapy, laughter meditation and laughter yoga.
Google "What is the average age for potty training?" as I just did, and the first result that comes up is something from the University of Michigan Health System. Now, originally I thought, "Well, what does the University of Michigan know about the toilet?" but then I remembered that is where its most recent football season went. According to an article on the site, the average human is ready for potty training at the age of 24 to 27 months. It is assuring to know that in terms of our own waste, we are only 24 to 27 months behind cats. But that's okay -- we're better than cats in other ways. For example, we can create funny commercials in which we make it seem like cats are singing when in actuality they are not. Yes, we sure do have an advantage over those cats! Despite humans being ready for potty training at 24 to 27 months, the actual process is not complete until typically 29 months for girls and 31 months for boys. I think the two-month gap is a result of boys trying to potty train while reading newspapers on the toilet, which causes an issue because they cannot yet read.
The price of stamps rose two cents on Monday, but this news has been completely overshadowed by the fact that gas is running at a national average of $3.71 per gallon, which is 35 cents more than it was just a month ago. My initial reaction to this statistic was, of course, "In your face, stamps! I hope you don't want my two cents, stamps! " But then I realized that the rise in price is actually a bad thing, so I apologized to my stamps by mailing a lot of letters to myself. If gas continues to rice 35 cents per gallon each month, that means that one year from now, we will be looking at gas prices of $7.91 per gallon. And what's worse is that we won't just be looking at that price -- we'll actually be paying it. If that becomes the case and minimum wage continues to hover around $7 per hour, a person who makes minimum wage and only works for an hour may very well make a net gross of negative two dollars. That's hard to explain around the water cooler: "Yeah, this week I plan on bringing home a nice paycheck of negative two bucks.