I'm pretty sure I've been scarred for life. Or maybe it's scared. I seriously live in deep fear that one day, Aunt Fanny will show up at my door and demand that I pay her money ---for what, I am not sure. But these are the things nightmares are made of.... Memories of Aunt Fanny are still very vivid. I spent a lot of time around this changeling to know that it was always the unpredictable that made going to her house an adventure. It was never the same place twice. Furniture would be in other places, my cousins would have switched bedrooms, someone would be living in the basement, and, just in case, if in fact the cops came to the door, don't answer it! And if you DID answer the door, say NOTHING. I was terrified of police officers for the longest time.... I thought they meant ME harm. I didn't realize they were more interested in busting up Aunt Fanny's relationship with Mary Jane and her cohorts... But just as the scenery would change in the physical realm at my Aunt's House, so would the spiritual, olfactory and the indigestible.
To be a souvenir smashed-penny collector; I can't think of a hobby too much finer than that. This collector has an elusive goal; find every last souvenir smashed penny that exists in the country, in North America, in the world. There is something special about a smashed-penny collector. He is always on the hunt. He drives down I-5 in California's Central Valley. He is headed to Los Angeles but sees a sign diverting to Yosemite. The idea hits, "I bet there is a penny-smashing machine in the park. Wow! Yosemite, what a great one to add." All of a sudden a mundane trip takes him on a quest. He is now on highway 120, and no longer pushing lead for Los Angeles. He is on a quest for his treasure- a Yosemite smashed penny. Life has its treasures. He enters the park. Yosemite is a vast wonderland. There are signs for El Capitan, for Half Dome, for the Seven Sisters, but a penny-smasher makes his own map. "Excuse me, park ranger, I am looking for the penny-smashing machine, can you direct me to it?
There's a well-known saying that goes, "Wherever you go, there you are." It's a good saying except for one thing: It's just not true! ! (I'd like to apologize for the two exclamation points. Yes, they're fun, but sometimes you can overuse fun things and all of a sudden they're not fun anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if I could go back in time, or if I knew how to use the backspace key on my computer, I would eliminate one of the exclamation points. Sorry.) The reason the saying is false is that when our minds are deprived of stimulation they tend to wander. So, yes, you may have gone someplace, but you're not really there at all. You're somewhere else entirely, probably trying to remember the words to the Armour Hot Dogs song. Now, the type of stimulation the brain needs is not something like being tickled with a feather. The mind is too mature to be amused by that (not so the insides of your knees, which are always up for being tickled). The mind craves interesting conversation.
Did you know that January 16th is International Nothing Day? And 21st January is Squirrel Appreciation Day? And January 26th is Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Check here for a few more crazy holidays. The bubble wrap day I'll honour. I love bubble wrap. I don't actually go out and buy it but if it lands in my hands by chance, for some strange reason I leave no bubble unburst. Now how about we have an International Slap Your Workmate Day. Not that people don't already trade slaps in offices and boardrooms. The purpose of making a day for it is to ensure amnesty against any assault cases resulting from the slaps that will be traded. No court cases so people will be free to exercise their palms to the possible maximum. You may only slap one workmate though and any slaps outside the said day are liable for prosecution. Here in the office I have a very good idea who I'm going to slap when that day is finally passed into law. I'm not playing the holy card here. I'm not by any chance that bespectacled geek in the corner office who thinks their workmates are cheap.
Movie sequels are always being made and, let's face it, with only a few exceptions, like "The Godfather II" and "Star Wars - The Empire Strikes Back", they are not as good as the original. (Or, do I have to invite you over to my house to watch "Cannonball Run 3?") In addition to sequels, Hollywood is also under the impression that we want to see old television shows brought to the big screen. (I can't wait to see "Moesha" in my neighborhood theater.) But getting back to sequels, now they are waiting years, even decades, before making the sequel, like the latest Rocky, Rambo and Indiana Jones adventures. Sometimes waiting too long to produce a sequel could only prove disastrous results. That is why, as the self appointed ambassador of Good Entertainment, I've come up with a list of movies, I think we all would like to avoid. I mean, would you honestly shell out your hard earned money to see: 1. "Sex and the City - Senior Citizen Style" (How's that for alliteration?) The girls all meet for Cosmopolitans and discuss ED, who Samantha thinks is the hot, new box boy at the neighborhood D'Agostinos.
Everyone requires a little bit of humor to spice up life. Life without humor is dull and worthless. A good dose of Texas humor is everything you need to make life's idiosyncrasies and challenges trivial and unmoving. Here are perfect examples of Texas humor that could put a smile or two on your lips. Texas farmers harvest freshly boiled potatoes. The weather is so hot the potatoes cook right in the soil! Women in Texas attend formal dinners wearing their finest jewelry, sleek nightgown, and a pair of leather cowboy boots. Texas humor says Texans don't speak in accents. You just can't understand the Texan language. It is only during winter that Texans get to use their air conditioning system. It's because during summertime, the sun is so hot no amount of cooling can make it go away. In Texas summers are so hot and dry that trees beg dogs for a pee. Taxidermy is Texas' most honorable profession. Deer meat is the staple food in Texas. Give it a cook and he can make more than 10 meals with it.
The fifth biggest state of the U.S is Dallas, a city in Texas. And there has never been a doubt about Texans loving their cities. They tend to be protective of who they are and what they have for all it's worth. The reverence of Texans to their hometown became the source of Texas humor. The accent that Texans have but fail to recognize don't make the situation better. While it's true that Texans speak the English language, it seems that you have to learn Spanish to understand it fully. The traffic in Texas is and always has been a major Texas humor. Traffic has always been a problem in Dallas, as well as in all other major cities of Texas. Rush hours happen during the mornings and the afternoons, each lasting for 4 hours - except Fridays. When it's Friday, the rush hour lasts for 24 hours. So never think of going out in a trailer during Friday, unless of course, you have come prepared with things to while the time away. It is best that you don't drive. If you're not from Texas, you might need to unlearn all the traffic signs and laws you know.
The state capital of Texas is Austin. It is the home of true-blooded Texans swearing loyalty to their state. But more than anything, it is the source of many Texas humor stories. Texans regard Austin as part of Texas but it was never the whole of it. Feeling and living Austin is not the same as living and feeling Texas. That fact exists because Texans hate it when the people of Austin are compared to those from Houston or San Antonio. Each of the cities in Texas has their own identity, ways, and in a way, humor. While people from other states and nation regard all Texans as one and the same, they are really different from each other. Austin hates to be compared to Houston and vice versa. But when it comes to defending their state, they all work in unison. Don't ever try to manipulate, alter, or insult a Texan. Because at that point, it will not matter where that Texan you mistreated came from. Everybody from Texas will simply come and get you. That's Texas humor working at its best.
Texas is popular for a lot of things. But of the many things that are famous there, humor tops the pack. Texas is a very big state. And the people from there pride themselves with all things big. Big myths, tales, and natural phenomenon distinct to Texas are revered, including hails and armadillos. Texans are big in their pride too. They might seem a little different from the people hailing from other states. But they have the same American dream like the rest. Many say that visiting Texas is much like visiting a different country. Texas humor makes people think that way. Social consciousness is the major factor to humor. Texans think of a certain idea in its absolute form. Nobody questions it why, when, or how anymore. It's just is. This probably is the reason why people think They are different from the rest of the Americans. And that it is hard to believe that Texas is part of it. There's one advantage to that thinking. Texans act in unison because of it. On the surface, humor is something that people don't have to be serious about.
Texas humor is something that can make you look at the brighter side, more than anything else. The sense of humor Texas have is entirely its own. While it amuses everybody, it is something that can be used to one's advantage rather than just laughing about it. American sarcasm is the other name of humor in Texas. It can be considered as sarcasm, but if people just try to see the things the way Texans see them, then coping with life's most difficult moments becomes a little easier. Humor is a manifestation of Texan's big optimism. This is the main thing that very evident in the stories and anecdotes everyone laughs about. You can tell a Texan apart from others with his actions. If a Texan stumbles on his feet, he would laugh it off. Even the most unfortunate events like drought, famine, and natural calamities are taken lightly. They can withstand these things with the simplest humor living inside these people. Now if it were for others, instances like these would make them pessimists.