Health and Fitness

Stupid Product Labels

I just can't believe some of the ridiculous things you can find on product labels these days. For instance, I've got a 2 ton floor jack with an adjustment screw on the side that has a plastic cap clamped right on the top of the adjustment screw with the words "Do Not Adjust" printed on it. Now, if I'm not supposed to adjust it, why does it come with an adjustment screw? Hmmm? But wait! There are far worse labels than this. That was just a simple one to get you warmed up. The other day I bought a bottle of generic "aspirin". Now, you know how generic brands always ask you to compare them to name brand products. This one was no different. On the label of the generic "aspirin" it said to "compare to the main active ingredient in 'Bayer Aspirin'". Ok, fine, I thought, I'll compare the main active ingredient in this bottle of generic "aspirin" to the main active ingredient in a bottle of "Bayer Aspirin". So, I flip over the bottle of my generic "aspirin" to discover that its main active ingredient is: "aspirin".

Childhood Memories of Reading on the Farm

Reading has long been a major passion of mine, starting at about four to five years of age. It didn't matter what I read, only that I read something. The Bible, labels on cans of food, Burma Shave signs, just anything. About a mile down a lane from our home on a Texas farm lived a lady who subscribed to Ranch Romances. Mrs. Wallace would give me her read and re-read copies and I would pore over them during the day and in the evening by the light of the fireplace and coal oil lamps. I had a little pedal car given me when we lived in Jacksboro, Texas. Riding it in town on pavement was very different than trying to ride in the country, but I kept struggling anyway. What else did I have to play with? A very dull knife for mumble peg, top and string to spin on the baked Texas earth and my Ranch Romance magazines to read. Mother was too proud of her Bible to let me go outside with it to read. We had an old paint mare that I rode over to Mrs. Wallace's ranch house to get the reading material and an occasional letter which was sometimes delivered to a rural mail box on the road.

Putting Meat on the Table

Mother had a large garden and worked very hard to prepare the vegetables for eating during summer and prepare the rest for winter. Seemed like Dad spent his time working on the other crops; turning over the small hunting duties to me. Yep - 10 years old and putting meat on the table. I was the proud owner of a small Stevens 22, single shot, used only short 22 cartridges. Often Mother would give me three shells to hunt for food: cotton tail rabbits or squirrels. Seems like bragging now, but I regularly returned with something for Mother skin and cook. Squirrel was my favorite! Mother floured and fried everything except the tail. The head was always given to my Dad to crack open and dig the brains out for me to eat. Yeah, I know most of you are saying 'Yuck', but eating those brains put me in hog heaven. (Bet I would say Yuck these days.) Mother never let the grease and frying residue go to waste, always making gravy. Every meal had home made bread, biscuits or cornbread, sure was good to sop up gravy leavings.

The Need For Sense of Humour in Life

What is life without a sense of humor? Man would be nothing but a reasoning animal without it. Many a life has been inspired by the ability to laugh in a tough situation and smile at the miseries of life. The drudgery of life is often relieved by these little glorious moments of humor. The capacity to see the flip side of life in the day to day situations and to come out of the bottlenecks of life, with a smile is indeed a great blessing, a great gift of the Gods. Charlie Chaplin had often said that he would not have survived the greatest battles of his life with out the great sense of humour he had. He could come out smililing in the hardest moments of his life. He laughed at the ironies of life, the very bitter sarcasm that life is. Oscar Wilde, P.G.Wodehouse, and many great authors, great humor writers- all of them did suffer greatly in life but their sense of humor saved the day for them. Life and the drugeries of everyday living cannot be changed by crying or crimping about it.

Things You Don't Say to a Cop Down South

Fade in: Ext. Highway-Day A minivan with New Jersey license plates is pulled over by a Florida police officer. He is dressed in full southern state police uniform, complete with mirrored sunglasses. He walks calmly and deliberately to the driver's side window, where we see Steve, in his thirties, awaiting the officer's arrival. The officer appears at the window with his citation book in hand. Officer Good morning. Steve Yeah, it's a good morning for you. You're not a northerner being pulled over by some redneck cop. Officer I see y'all are from out of state. Steve Well, that's how Interstate gun trafficking works. Officer Do y'all know why I pulled you over? Steve Don't tell me. Our eyes met back there and you thought we may have had a moment. Officer Do you know what the speed limit is on the down side of that bridge that you just came over? Steve Let me guess. A million miles an hour. Officer It's thirty-five miles per hour. Steve Fifty-five miles per hour going up the bridge and thirty-five coming down it.

Clean Comedians in Chicago

Having "grown up" in the Midwest as a stand up comedian and now as president of "Clean Comedians Chicago", I know that clean comedians in the Chicago area are a rare commodity these days. However, with the overkill of provocative comedy on cable television, they are making a comeback. Clean comedians in Chicago are ahead of the game. I first took the stage in the mid-70's when television's comedy heroes were just beginning to change. While my parents still laughed at the one-liners of Bob Hope and the gimmicks of Red Skelton, a new generation was forming that would follow in the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and George Carlton. Material was becoming more risqu and very edgy. With the advent of a few cable television channels, boundaries widened. Comedy material that had been "bleeped" by major networks was gradually becoming accepted. While the likes of Joan Rivers and words like "pregnant" had once raised eyebrows, the rants and raves of Sam Kinison made such references pale in comparison.

If We Are God's Instruments - We Are Playing Out of Tune

The philosopher Karl or Groucho Marx once (and maybe twice) said that "Religion is the opiate of the people." No one had any clue what he meant. Until now. Until me. That's right - today I am about to broach the most controversial topic known to man (other than whether Clay Aiken's soon-to-be-born baby will be of a recognizable gender - or if it will take after him.) The controversial topic to which I refer is Religion, which somehow seems scarier when it is typed with all-caps in a vaguely Gothic font. At the outset, or - since this is already the third paragraph - at the not-quite-so outset, I should (in the interests of full-disclosure) reveal that I myself am a practicing Shiite Baptist. We Shiites adhere to a Baptist doctrine called The Priesthood Of The Believer, which essentially states that you and I both have the right to reach different conclusions regarding religious matters, but that yours are wrong. And this cuts straight to the heart of the nub of the matter. There is a basic design flaw in most of our religions.

Clean Comedians Chicago

Having "grown up" in the Midwest as a stand up comedian and now as president of "Clean Comedians Chicago", I know that clean comedians in the Chicago area are a rare commodity these days. However, with the overkill of provocative comedy on cable television, they are making a comeback. Clean comedians in Chicago are ahead of the game. I first took the stage in the mid-70's when television's comedy heroes were just beginning to change. While my parents still laughed at the one-liners of Bob Hope and the gimmicks of Red Skelton, a new generation was forming that would follow in the footsteps of Lenny Bruce and George Carlton. Material was becoming more risqu and very edgy. With the advent of a few cable television channels, boundaries widened. Comedy material that had been "bleeped" by major networks was gradually becoming accepted. While the likes of Joan Rivers and words like "pregnant" had once raised eyebrows, the rants and raves of Sam Kinison made such references pale in comparison.

Joke Writing - Anyone Can Write a Joke

Can anyone really write a joke. There is a simple answer to that question, have you ever said anything funny? If you can answer yes, to that question then you can write a joke. I have made reference in my other articles about the fact that if you do not write things down, then you are losing 90% of your ideas. Think about that for a moment. All the success that you have achieved so far in your life is a result of 10% of the thoughts you have had so far. Imagine what you could achieve if you could retain the other 90% The same goes for joke writing. So now lets put the two together. Have you ever said anything funny? I bet you have, then just write it down. I can remember many times when I have said funny things right off the top of my head but did not think to write it down, and of course, now its gone. The sad truth is that 90% of all the funny stuff that you have ever said, is gone. I have notebooks full of jokes. Whenever I begin writing something, I just need to flip through my notebook to find the joke that fits the topic that I am writing about.

Orientation at a Nudist Colony

Fade in: A podium is placed center stage. Bob, a very low key man in his thirties, is standing, apparently naked, behind the podium. Bob Good afternoon and welcome to the newcomers Orientation here at Sunnyvale Recreation and Clothing Optional Club. I'm your Recreational Chairman, Bob Chambers. First of all, it's nice to see so many of you getting into the spirit of things. Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the Naugahyde chairs... They are a little cold at first, and it may seem like you left part of your skin when you get up, but, you didn't. We are experimenting with the Naugahyde chairs, since the removal of the webbed fabric chairs we had before. People were complaining about the criss-cross marks left on their bodies and after waking up from their afternoon naps, they would find that some prankster had been playing tic-tac-toe on the backs of their thighs. So, we've opted for the Naughahyde, which, since so many of you are without clothing, may notice certain noises when you shift in your chairs.

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