Consider a little girl, Suzie, whose parents and others around her keep telling her that 'she does not know how to get along with others.' Those words may just be stating the obvious and they are based on behavior the parents have observed in Suzie. However, the words themselves are doing much more than stating the obvious. Some call it "telling it like it is." Suzie later finds herself in her teenage years isolated. She finds it hard to make friends with others and when she does, she does something to drive them away. Why? It is because Suzie 'does not know how to get along with others.' Those words given to the child have become her prison. She has heard the words all her life and has believed it. Those words are what Suzie is. The parents get to say, "see, we always said you do not know how to get along with others." They pat themselves on the back as if they possess some kind of mystic power to foresee someone's life. The real truth is that they helped formed the person's life, by their words.
In life you will encounter people who have a great ability to communicate their emotions and ideas. Some can communicate well in public and others can communicate well in much smaller groups. However, a good number of people do not know how to communicate. I am not necessarily speaking of public speaking. There is a difference between communicating in public and privately. I am talking about being able to communicate your feelings to someone close to you. Can you relate? In my case, I have had and still do struggle with communicating with my father. However, I can get up in front of a room of strangers and communicate on a topic that I feel passionately about. But the hardest person for me to communicate with is my father. Why is that? Well my father did not have much of a father-figure when he was a boy. That was when it was not popular in a 3rd world country to have a one-parent household. He grew up with nothing but criticism and challenges, and he was never taught to communicate well with those close to him.
Communication includes diplomacy, style, pitch, vocabulary & tone. Sometimes you have to watch how you communicate with people. Without being diplomatic, you may not be an effective communicator. Diplomacy means skill in managing negotiations, handling people etc... so that there is little or no ill will; have tact & skill in dealing with people. When you learn how to communicate with people it determines how they will or will not respond to you. LOOK AT AND IDENTIFY YOUR STYLE Your communication style is more than how you talk to others. It includes your body language, your vocabulary, your tone & pitch. You can work on improving your communication style, once you identify it. IMPROVE YOUR TONE & PITCH Now that you've identified your style, you must now work on improving it. Listen at the tone and pitch that you use in communicating. A high pitch may come across as being nervous. Work towards lowering your pitch. Your tone of voice is very important. Your tone shows your confidence level, some people can tell by your tone if you are angry or shy.
As you prepare for your remarriage, an important task is to take inventory of your strengths as a couple and what work you still need to do. Communication skills are a very important area to evaluate. The most important of these skills is the ability to problem solve. A lot of couples don't do this very well. They argue and nothing is accomplished. Getting annoyed with your partner is a normal part of any relationship. You're different people with different needs and these needs with clash from time to time. When this happens, the two of you need to discuss this and figure out how you're going to handle it. This is where problem solving comes in. After you bring up a concern, then some possible solutions need to be discussed. If this step gets skipped, then all you're doing is griping which is a waste of time and breaks down the relationship over time. This is probably one of the hardest aspects of communicating because it requires you to take ownership of your needs and to present them in a way that they will be heard instead of causing your partner to become defensive.
Firstly, and most importantly, we'll take a look at how not to win your mate back. There are a lot of things that you may be tempted to do to get back with your ex after a break up, but if you want to retain any shred of dignity or stand a chance of reviving your relationship then avoid them at all cost. * Swearing things will change if they just come back to you * Repeatedly telling them you love them * Using emotional leverage such as your kids to make them come back * Telling them you are depressed or even suicidal so they feel bad for you * Arguing with them about why they should take you back Doing any of these things will only push your mate away and make them wonder what they saw in you in the first place. Instead of these actions, take a good look at yourself and try to work on what your mate found attractive about you in the first place. Showing them that you are still that person can have them running back to you faster than any amount of begging or empty promises. So what should you do?
They say men are from Mars and women are from Venus - and sometimes it really does feel like we're speaking two different languages! All couples will run into a communication problem or two, whether it's nagging or the constant "he said, she said" that can plague a relationship. But can men and women really communicate effectively with each other? Or are they too different to ever see eye to eye? Good communication is possible, but it takes effort. Read on for more tips on handling your communication crises: First, good communication most often arises from two parties that are actively seeking a mutually beneficial solution in an emotion-free environment. Do you see the problem here? The times when we need good communication the most are when we're in heated arguments, battling over who's right and who's wrong! When an argument gets heated, it's easy to say things we don't really mean in an effort to prove our points. In fact, did you know that in these situations, your IQ can drop by as much as 20 points?
A woman walks down the road and gradually becomes aware that a car has pulled up alongside her (no it's not what you think! ). The passenger window is wound down and the person inside asks: "Excuse me! " "Yes" the woman replies. "I wonder if you could tell me how I get to the Hospital from here?" "Of course, you keep going down this road for about half a mile and come to some traffic lights. Turn left there and carry on for about a mile. You'll probably see it before you need to turn off again anyway but about a mile along from there is a right hand turning with big signs outside so you can't miss it, showing you the entrance to the Hospital." "Ok so that's keep going for half a mile, turn left at the traffic lights, carry on for a mile and then turn right and it is well signposted at that point anyway. Is that right?" "That's it you've got it." "Thank you very much! " "Ok, no problem." I find it interesting that when we really need to be sure we have heard someone after asking them a question we will almost always do a summary back of what they've said.
In this article we want to discuss the art of listening, which we believe is at the heart of communication, and is also what makes up a civilized culture. We believe that if we do not come together and listen to one another, we cannot have a healthy culture. But if we do sit down and listen to one another, we can remake the world-one relationship at a time. How do we understand the difference between listening and hearing? We know that listening is a simple and profound capacity to not only hear the words, but to put our arms around the words, to accept them, and to set aside the chatter in our own heads. Listening means that we are conscious not only of what the other is saying, but also of what we are saying, how we are acting and reacting ourselves. In a recent workshop for couples a man struggling with this principle in the dialog, suddenly came to this awareness: "You know, up until now I have always been ready to speak to my wife, but I'm not ready to listen." In our experience, with our own relationship and with hundreds of couples, this readiness to speak, but not to listen, is endemic to our personal relationships and pervades our culture.
Recently, we traveled to Southern Alberta to visit with Carol's side of the family. Are they in-laws, out-laws, or maybe some of both? Regardless, I love them all. As we approached our destination, we chatted about our expectations of how the landscape would look, based upon our memories. We tend to expect it will be the same as we've experienced it before, which creates a familiar feeling. But it was different. Each time we go there, we see more houses in the countryside and expansion in the towns. The growth is not necessarily right or wrong, it is just different. And the feelings created are not necessarily good or bad, they are just different - they are not familiar. My son, Jamie, chimed in, "Memories are our mental landscape. We have perspectives and expectations based upon the way we experienced the world in the past." Not only does this apply to geography, exactly the same thing occurs in our relationships. Our memories of interactions with another person programs mental expectations of current or future interactions.
One of the most difficult things to say is, "I am sorry." Why is that? I it is because saying 'sorry' means that you are admitting wrongdoing. This is difficult to do, because most of our lives we are proving how right we are. Most people would admit that there is no perfect man or woman alive. However, we all strive to present ourselves as being perfect. If we look at politics, we see finger-pointing and blaming going on. That is the opposite of admitting mistakes. The same happens at home in our personal lives. If mom for example reacts in a wrong way to something that a child does, would she admit wrong or focus on the wrongdoing of the child and use that as the 'cause' for her reaction? For example, "you make me mad" is not really a true statement. The child has no power to 'make' mom mad. Mom has control over her emotions. So there is a proper and an improper way of saying sorry. Often times if we can get to the point of saying sorry, the wording of our apology might not be in line with a true apology.