Cancer patients are at a risk of losing more than their health. Their romantic relationships go through a hard time and eventually go up in smokes. It is sad to hear confessions from victims whose marriage collapsed due to the uninvited disease. Cancer affects relationships mainly in a negative way. The marriages do not break down due to infidelity or lack of passion but due to cancer. This is the time many patients need comfort and love from their spouses. Mary one of the cancer patients explains what happened when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. The doctor in the room ordered her husband to give her a hug since she needed a shoulder to lean on. Amazingly her husband moved his chair away from her with disgust. The reaction was like she had some contagious disease such as leprosy. This was not easy for Mary since she had not anticipated such kind of behavior from her husband. He was an affectionate soul mate until it was her turn to witness how cancer affects relationships.
When we state something as a fact that is really just our subjective viewpoint it can have the following impacts upon ourselves and others: 1. It can alienate people from us because their experience may not be the same as ours. Of course, people will always have different opinions about things, but when someone states theirs as if it is a fact, this can lead others to see them as rigid in their view of the world or not someone they want to engage with. For example: If I say: Working in this place is impossible, no-one pulls their finger out and the company is going down the pan. ... others may not have such a dim view of the company and may feel quite offended that I should make such a statement. They may feel it necessary to defend the company, or themselves, or even to 'attack back' and make some statements about me that they also see as being factual! Such a situation will often lead to a disconnection and distancing between all involved as it generates a win/lose dynamic regarding the respective views they hold.
The primary rule of communication simply states that without understanding, communication is impossible. But if that's the rule, then how can we reach an understanding? I had a student come up to me once and ask how he could get people to understand him. I began to explain that people come to conversations from different levels and perspectives. "I already know all that, " he interrupted, "but how do I do it?" "Do what?" "Get them to my level." "What do you think I was about to say?" "That I have to bring people to my level." "Nope. In fact, that's the exact opposite of what I was saying. You can't expect people to come to your 'level.' You have to go to them. People can't understand you unless you speak their language, and you can't speak someone's language unless you actually learn it." "So how do I do that?" "The same way you learned English, by listening to people speak." Unfortunately, most people are so busy listening to their own thoughts that they rarely have room in their minds for anyone else's.
The strategies we attempt to use for effective communication are filtered through our habits. Take a look at the arguments and frustrations you experience everyday. For most of us, 98% of them habitually breakdown in the same places. The breakdown points are intersections of a perceived outside trigger and our unconscious habits to react the way we do (visualize the co-worker who annoys you, your spouse's embarrassing behaviors, and the constant complaining of your children for a clearer picture). People don't think of their habits as possible sources of their conflicts, frustrations, and upset feelings. They never realize their habits are calling all the shots, giving orders like hit men to eliminate what threatens them. To make matters worse, we try resolving our communication breakdowns with quick-fix phrases from books or shaky advice from friends that only aggravate the situation. If you regularly experience this type of Communication Frustration then one of the following 3 habits is the likely culprit.
Communication begins with understanding, so stop talking and start listening. Philosophers, psychologists and business professionals have all written endlessly about the power of listening. Your ability to listen determines your ability to influence and communicate. For one thing, when you fail to listen effectively, you often respond to situations with inaccurate information. I once went to McDonald's with a friend. We were racing to grab our dinner before watching a movie at his house. As we began pulling out of his drive, we realized that my car was blocking the way. So I jumped from his car, re-parked my car down the road a bit, and scrambled back into his passenger seat. We tore off together, ordered our food and headed back to his place. At the edge of his driveway, he stopped and pointed to my car. "Do you want to move it back?" "Nah, I'll just leave (it)." "Really?" "Yeah, it's okay." The next thing I knew, he was driving me to my car and saying, "Okay, then good night.
Whenever people discover that I teach classes in effective listening, they immediately joke about signing up their spouses, their kids, their co-workers and their bosses. They hardly ever suggest signing up themselves; however, the principles of effective listening suggest that when people complain about others not listening to them, they've probably not been listening very effectively to others. And I bet that you can guess how many people welcome that idea when it's brought to their attention. Communication is circular. We usually send a message because we're hoping for a certain response. But too often we don't consider how our messages must be sent to insure that we get our desired response. We just start talking, and then we get frustrated whenever people don't react as we'd like. We fail to say what we mean, and then we fight over whatever we said. We can listen to people so long as we agree with them; but the moment we disagree, we stop listening and start defending our perspective.
When you see an attractive girl, you walk up to her and start a conversation. Things seem to go smoothly, she's responding well but later, all of a sudden, you run out of stuff to say! And the awkward pause ensues. And before you know it, the girl excuses herself and walk away. Is the scenario sound familiar? You are not alone, this type of thing happens all the time. And it typically happens because guys just don't know how to talk to girls! They may have their first couple of lines ready to go to get the conversation started, but after a while, they are just winging it. But all too often, when it gets to the point where they have to talk to the girl, and they don't have anything already thought out, their brain stall, and the conversation dies on natural death. Not too many people realize that there is an art to conversation. Able to get it started is one thing, but keeping it going is another thing. If you have ever been that situation mentioned above, you know what I am talking about.
Do you sometimes feel that you can't seem to talk to your man about anything anymore? The feeling is probably more profound when you still remember clearly what he used to be - someone you could talk to anytime about your feelings and fears. Then, suddenly, anything you talk about regarding your relationship seems to tick him off so easily. As the communication gap grows, you begin to feel more and more uncertain about the relationship you share with this man. The truth is that men really aren't that vocal when it comes to their emotions, and would much rather bottle up everything within their own psyches. Any attempt to pry into their emotions will naturally merit a hostile response - and the more you do it, the worse it becomes. What's worse, if you do the opposite - not doing anything at all - the connection you used to have will only deteriorate into nothingness. So what can you do to make him listen again? Believe it or not, about 99.9% of all couples go through this stage of non-communication at some point in their lives.
Winning Is Giving - Do You Give Too Much To Your Children, Mate, Colleagues, or Other Relationships?
Do you give too much to other people, and get little back from them? If you do, read these 4 points to discover how to get back the money, time, effort and love it may be costing you. Point 1 - Understand that giving too much to the people in your life does not help them. And it does not help you. When you give too much to others, it tends to makes them dependent on you and weaken them. But, it can weaken you also because giving too much is likely to be draining of your energy. Furthermore, they can become spoiled and become increasingly demanding of you. Most surprising is that the people you give too much to may resent you. The remaining 3 points can help you even out the giving process to get more back in return. Point 2 - Instead of making others dependent on you which weakens them, ask them to do their part. For example, when your children want you to do their school work for them, ask them enough questions about their particular task until they understand it. This way they can get the answers for themselves.
Stare him down. Make eye contact and keep it while talking to him. Keep eye contact during the entire conversation, and stop speaking if he looks away. He will realize that you are trying to make sure you remembers what you are saying. And as a result of your body language, he will make his best effort not to forget. Don't try to multi-task while talking to him. Stop whatever you're doing and simply look at him while you're speaking. This will clue him in that what you're saying is important, and he is likely to be less distracted. Do not speak to him when he is distracted by television or his computer, etc. Tell him you're trying to have an important conversation and that you would appreciate it if he would not watch TV, read, or work on the computer while you're speaking to him. Ask him questions about what you have told him. If he can answer them, then it means he paid attention. If he can't answer questions about the things you have told him, then let him know that you would appreciate it if he remembers important facts and information you give him during your conversations.